Self-Care Isn’t Selfish: Why Taking Care of Yourself Matters

Why Self-Care Feels Selfish

Taking care of yourself often feels selfish — especially when you’ve spent years in survival mode, juggling caregiving, parenting, work, and endless responsibilities. Pausing for your own needs can feel like a luxury – almost indulgent.

But here’s what I found: when I neglected myself, everything I was holding fell apart. The responsibilities I was trying so hard to honor ended up suffering because I was running on empty.

Self-care isn’t indulgence. It’s what has kept me alive and able to carry what matters.

The Oxygen Mask Moment

Airlines always tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first. I’d heard it dozens of times before, but it didn’t click until one day, sitting in an Al-Anon room, someone said to me:

“You have to put on your oxygen mask first. You’re no good to anyone if you can’t breathe.”

I remember blinking, confused. “What do you mean?” I asked.

She didn’t soften it: “If you try to help everyone else first, you can’t breathe. You’ll pass out. And then what? The very people you were trying to save will suffer.”

That moment shifted something in me. I began to understand that caring for myself wasn’t selfish — it was responsible.

“Self-care isn’t indulgence. It’s the air you need to breathe.”

The Lies Culture Tells Us About Self-Care

Our culture tells us that value comes from productivity. That rest is wasted. That strength is pushing through no matter what.

But that story is heavy. I had always been “the strong one,” the one who could manage on her own.

I had to do it, or it wouldn’t get done, and I couldn’t ask for help. I would look weak. I was conditioned to never say no, to keep things floating, make everything happen, even when I was falling apart. For me, when my kids were little, the “Pinterest” parties were the big thing. Everything themed, decorated to the nines, special cakes. I had to make it look like I could keep up with everyone else. But I would be so grumpy at those parties, growling at those who got in the way of making things perfect. I certainly didn’t enjoy it, and I am sure I stressed everyone out around me.

Here’s the lie: that the only way forward is to keep producing, keep running, keep enduring, look like everyone else or better.

Here’s the truth: growth begins when we pay attention to what we actually need — and take ownership of giving it to ourselves.

If you want to go deeper into the hard work of self-care—beyond bubble baths and tea—read more about that here.

Self-Care as Responsibility

Yes, sometimes self-care is survival. Brushing your teeth. Changing your clothes. Forcing yourself out of bed.

But Becoming means something different. It’s about recognizing that self-care is also a responsibility.

“What shifted for me was realizing self-care wasn’t indulgence — it was accountability. The small, ordinary acts that kept me whole enough to show up for the life I wanted, not just the life I was enduring.”

For me, when I was married, I ignored finances for the most part. I felt like I had no control, so I lived in denial. However, as a single woman, I had to own that I was fully responsible for all the finances. And you know what – that thought was so freeing, but it was also terrifying. I had to learn where my money was going, how much I needed to get by every month, and be accountable to myself. My first step was opening my bank account and actually reading it. From there, I had to learn to stay accountable to myself. That’s when I realized self-care wasn’t just about soothing myself in the moment — it was about facing what I had avoided and taking ownership of my life.

“Being the strong one doesn’t mean never resting. It means knowing when to stop before you shatter.”

The Hawk Story: A Moment of Becoming

One fall morning, I stepped onto my patio with a cup of coffee. My list of tasks was already pressing in: cleaning, prepping, hosting for a group of friends. The night before, I had felt buried under it all.

But in that moment, I chose to pause. I breathed in the crisp air, let it fill my lungs, and looked up.

A hawk soared overhead and landed on a branch right above me. It sat still, facing me for a full minute, before spreading its wings and lifting into the sky.

Something shifted. My shoulders dropped, my breath deepened, and I felt grounded. Ready.

It reminded me that self-care isn’t always action. Sometimes it’s awareness — pausing long enough to reset, see clearly, and choose differently.

The Sweet Side of Self-Care

And sometimes self-care looks like joy — not perfect productivity or hard responsibilities but laughing at yourself while eating donuts.

After being gluten-free for seven years and finally working with a dietitian, I had my first donut. The thing I had missed the most. With childlike excitement, I explained to the lady at the bakery how much joy I felt. When I got home, it was comical: I tried every single one of the dozen donuts I bought. I binged joyfully. I had learned enough about food to know that after so much restriction, this was likely, and it would settle down. Instead of guilt, I felt freedom.

Self-care isn’t always heavy. Sometimes it’s light, funny, and messy — and those moments count too.

An Invitation to Begin

If you’ve been told that self-care is selfish, here’s the Becoming truth: it isn’t.

Self-care doesn’t mean you stop caring for others. It means you stop abandoning yourself.

So, ask yourself: What would putting on your oxygen mask look like today? What’s one deliberate choice you can make — not just to get through, but to grow?

For me, it took oxygen masks, messy finances, and even a hawk to teach me: caring for myself wasn’t selfish. It was how I began to truly live.