Overcoming the “I Don’t Want To”

Over the past few weeks, it has been hard to look at any social media and not see stories about the World Cup held here in North America. And in those posts, it’s likely you came across Erling Haaland, a Norwegian soccer player. His smiles, kindness, and goofy antics are shown in videos and stories across the internet.

In a recent video walking through his training routine, Haaland talks about pushing through the parts of training he doesn’t want to do, simply because he knows they’re good for his body. He explains that a lot of it comes down to psychology — that he tells his body he isn’t tired even when he is, and that our bodies can handle far more than we think. The ability to push through, in other words, is more mental than physical. The way you talk to yourself is how you get through it.

These men, at this level, are top-level athletes at the pinnacle of fitness. Other than talent, what separates many of them from other athletes is their mindset. No one makes it this far by weaving a negative narrative. You cannot make it that far while feeding the “ugh, I don’t want to” or the “I don’t feel like it” narrative.

Ultimately, this isn’t about soccer or fitness.

It’s the gap between “don’t want to” and “do it anyway.”

Where the Gap Comes From

We all have struggles, and genetically, some of us struggle more mentally than others. Some people were given tools at a young age, while others have had to learn on their own.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record — if you stay in the story of your misfortune, you cannot create a vision for where you will go. You will stay the victim, stuck in your story.

What I Don’t Want To Do

I struggle daily with “don’t want to.” Some days are worse than others.

I don’t want to go to work, meet my protein and fiber goals, exercise, go to yoga and sometimes salsa. I didn’t want to work a second job after a full 5-day work week. I didn’t want to spend my weekends doing schoolwork for two and a half years. I sure didn’t want to “be strong” and put my baby through medical test after test, stay days in hospitals, and travel to another city for medical care.

But I did, and I do. I show up.

Not to prove something to anyone, but for myself.

At first, it was for my kids, because honestly, I didn’t love myself enough to show up for me. But I have come to realize that showing up for them means loving myself.

What I Actually Want

You know what I want? I want to pay my bills and live comfortably. I want a strong body that can carry me into aging with less pain and more energy. I want release and enjoyment. I wanted to escape the drowning nightmare of debt. I wanted to get away from the burnout of bedside nursing and have flexibility with higher pay. I wanted to support my daughter and get her the best medical care possible.

What I’ve noticed is that what we want and don’t want aren’t opposites. They coexist in our day-to-day reality. Most days, though you may be tired or in pain, the real resistance is your thinking — what you focus on.

Choose the Action, Not the Feeling

Haaland made this connection in his own way: you have to choose the action, not the feeling. Feelings can give you a measure of a situation, but they’re often clouded by a multitude of underlying factors and triggers.

If you wait until you feel like it, most of the time you won’t. The fatigue and pain will increase, your financial situation will remain, and you will stay stuck.

(I wrote more about this in The Truth About Motivation.)

But when you take the first step, things get easier. It doesn’t happen every day. Many days you have to talk yourself positively through the action itself. But man — when you start seeing results, it gives you fuel.

When you practice positive thoughts, not toxic positivity, but things like reminding yourself of your why and how far you’ve come because you show up, they become a habit. It doesn’t make the “don’t want to” go away, but it makes it easier to push through.

You give yourself a reference. When the pain decreases and your cholesterol and other health markers look better, when your first paycheck comes after the promotion, when you pay off another credit card — you give yourself a reference. You see that you CAN, even when you don’t want to. And that it’s worth it.

Therapy

Knowing all of this, there is something I struggle with more than anything else.

Therapy.

I love therapy. I think almost everyone should have good therapy at some point in their life. But I hate it.

Therapy is the one thing that has helped me say yes, think about my wants, and become who I am today. But it is the single hardest thing to show up to. Sure, I could show up and sit in the room, check a box, and say I did therapy — but to get the real result and growth I long for, I have to participate. It doesn’t matter how good a day I’ve had. I have to show up, open, and willing.

And honestly, the closer I get to truly discovering who I am and what I really want, the harder it gets to show up. Life is more stable. I have a good job, a great partner, and I’m not in survival mode right now. I don’t want to show up and stir things up on a good day. Sometimes I am tired of feeling, and dealing with my crap.

But I do it anyway.

I disturb my own peace for an hour to move forward in life, and for who I want to become on the other side.